i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize