Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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