i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
