there's paper in my vomit.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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