I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
