You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
