Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
