i wish my penis had a tongue
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
