there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
