And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
