can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize