why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
only you would photoshop your dick
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
