I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
