I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
