I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
