she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
