She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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