I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
