I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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