just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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