I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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