By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
