New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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