I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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