so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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