Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I seem to have left my pride at pride
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize