Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
