i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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