Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
