I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
