our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
