turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize