Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
