Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
