He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
