Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
