Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
