U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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