Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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