**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
