the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
