he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
