I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
