I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
