Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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