im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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