Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
where does the pee come out of this thing
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
