this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
