you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
