giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
These tits shall not be calmed
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
