you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
