Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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