I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
