I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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