dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I don't deserve a penis
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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