I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
