you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
